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| in case this oh-mysterious computer screen was wondering where my posts have been, they've been on tumblr.
mostly cause, tumblr is the new xanga. just as facebook is the new myspace.
anyways, my tumblr is less personal, but updated more frequently.
maybe i'll come back. who knows. (: | | |
| i'm doing so great. i feel great. i look great. i feel like a corny song, right about now.
"i look so good without you, got me a new hair do, lookin fresh and brand new, since you said that we're through, done with your lies, baby now my tears dry, you can see my brown eyes, ever since you said goodbye. i look so good, i look so good without you."
meaning, Cody is gone.
we had an amazing weekend Labor Day Weekend. it was perfect. that is, until he ignored me Monday -- the one day i wanted to see him before he left. you know where he was? with his ex. whom is pregnant. with his kids. twins. did i mention she's 17? honestly, don't get me going on a rant, but i told him how i felt, and stopped all contact with him. i think that's the one best thing i couldve done, you know? if the temptation isn't there to talk to him, then i won't fall back in or feel sorry for myself since i can't be with him. but, she has a boyfriend and he has four more years in the marines. he can have fun with that one, it's his problem now. i'm not playing second best, sorry. (:
which brings me to Derek. boys, boys, boys. he's a sweeeetheart. someone who's been hurt some many times that he's 19 and afraid that a 15 year old is gonna hurt him. ): poor guy. i love him though, i really do. everything he does, he thinks of me. i can't believe i'm lucky enough to be talking to him. he's cute, very cute, actually; sincere; honest; just great. he's the type of guy to go head over heels for a girl, and do anything she asks of him. i would never take advantage of that, and i'm reassuring myself he's not just a rebound. he is truly a genuinely great person <3 we're going to homecoming together & have decided to take things very very slowly. we've only kissed thus far, and i like it this way. with Nelson, most recent ex, we had sex the third time we hung out. not even dating. that's horrible of me to do. "i may be a whore, but i'm a whore with morals." :D hahah i love that quote.
anywho, everything else is going just dandy. i have a 4.0 in all my classes ! yay (: photography is going just great for us. i have an assignment now to find a song, and then do a series of photos that relate to the lyrics in the song. it's gonna be so fun !
in dance, idk. it's a challenge, for sure. i'm just not as passionate about dancing as i used to be. Missy made me love dance. Soozie makes me frustrated and feel like i'm not good enough. maybe i'm not putting my whole effort into it. who knows, all i know is that i want to be the best i can be.
other than that, i've been working out a lot more. i feel much more complete when i exercise! it's a great feeling, and i'm gonna be looking so sexxyy for the rest of the school year :D ah.
i've just been getting along so well with everyone, it's nuts. well, besides wendy.
every single person i talk to -- that is 100% NOT an exaggeration -- get pissed off by her. i'm one of them.
time will tell what's to come of this situation.
as for me, i'm heading to bed early. i want a full 8 hours so i'm well-rested for my love tomorrow! Derek and I are going to see Sorority Row! eeeek (:
life | love | laughter. | | |
| Cody is home, he stayed here last night.
first time being with him, and i'm more comfortable around him than anyone else. i got the best feeling in the entire world while with him.
we walked up to the towers around 10, and stayed there until midnight just laying with each other... and stuff (:
he can sing like no one i know. his voice is perfect, and i can't tell the difference between him & the lead singer of Secondhand Serenade. he can also 'scream', as in Devil Wears Prada scream. and to be honest, it's sexy. we went to a bonfire up in Steubenville, and just looking over at him sitting there playing Trace on my phone, i wanted him. not just in a sexual way, but i just wanted him to hold me and not leave.
i fell asleep with his arms around me on my couch, and when i woke up and knew i better get my ass upstairs or else i'd be dead, i wanted nothing else than to just lay there and have him hold me longer, because he'd be gone before i knew it. when he left this morning, i felt like crying. he's coming back tomorrow, which is going to be even harder. i have to tell myself, i can do it.
i don't know how i'm going to handle him leaving.
all i know is, i love him. unconditionally, and fully. and i'm beyond blissful he feels the same way back. <3 | | |
| i feel like a pile of rocks right now.
reason being...? i have no clue.
i hate this feeling. i know my life is good, and i'm really happy. actually, i'm extremely happy. so why do i get little jolts of discomfort, sadness, irritability, etc.?
God only knows.
like, i don't know. school is great. i love my classes. my English class is a little boring, but then again, i'm in high school. classes aren't gonna be "how to have fun 101", you know?
my friends are good. i did kind of blow up on wendy. i wanted to rationally talk to her about everything that's been bothering us, she insisted we do it over texting, i 'yelled' with my thumbs and said i wasn't going to , that was dumb and we need to work out problems like adults. she basically said she would punch me. i am living in a world of nimrods.
but seriously, other than that, i love my friends. i've been doing so good with all of them.
i do have a problem with flirting still. trust me, i've calmed down a lot. but, what started as some light flirting with this.. 19(?) year old from Avella is him turning into "i'm gonna ask you out someday :) " texts. great. would you like a fucking ribbon or something? i don't wanna date you. i want to flirt with you shamelessly and have you accept it. God. :/
i get myself into horrible situations, this is for sure. it's Monday night, going into Tuesday. Cody comes home late Friday. i'm going to pee myself when i see him. do you know how weird this is gonna be for me? getting picke dup at dance by a complete stranger, that i love? love. ugh.
okay, why am i crying? i'm not going to start my period anytime soon. i'm so emotional today. i can't handle stress well.
i need to buckle down and do my homework, do everything that needs done. and, for the most part, i have been doing that. honest. but all the time is too much for me to handle. that's whiney. and i'm going to be turning 16 in about a month. what? sweet sixteen? the prime age? i can't grow up. i can't do this.
that's what i should've titled this: I Can't Do This.
because, in all honesty, i can't. i can't handle being independent. i can't handle doing things by myself. i don't want to graduate, i don't want to move out, i don't want to go to college alone, i don't want any of it. i wanna stay in my room for the rest of my life, being 15 and typing a blog that won't make sense to anyone, and that no one reads anyways.
i complain so much. i can't help it. things bother me. some things, people shouldn't know about. i secretly want to be stick thin. i want people to look at me and go "oh my, she's sick." i want that feeling of gratification i can get from dropping pounds in days. and gym class is helping, a lot. this way, for a whole 18 weeks, i will be doing and hour and a half of physical activity for five days. not only that, but i plan on staying after school sometime soon to work out. there's two more hours. i have three hours of dance on Sunday, i can do this. it's not that i absolutely hate the way i look, but that's the one thing i can control, i realized.
i used to cut myself. i felt like everyone was rebelling against me and what i want, so cutting was the ONE thing that caused me pain, but i could control. it made so much sense at the time. well, now i still get those feelings. those "halle, things are bad, fix them" feelings. but instead of trying to control the pain to an almost unbearable level, i can control my looks, and try to get reactions out of people using them. that's why i'm so obsessed with wearing makeup ALL THE TIME, looking my best, using tricks to hide my problem areas and pushing my boobs up so people focus on the good and not the bad. i shop for expensive clothes because the fit better and i feel better in them. i carry expensive purses and wear high-end shoes. i get my hair done a lot and make sure i'm always looking polished. that's just who i am. i can't not look my best because then i feel like people will look at me and think horrible things, which is just another thing that i can't control.
idk . the weird thing is, i'm not a control freak. not to my friends, i don't try to tell them what to do or say or how to act. or in a relationship, i'm the passive one all the time. the one who doesn't like to come up with ideas in fear of being ridiculed or laughed at for them.
i wish i could sort out my feelings.
i wish i knew why i get sad so easily.
and why these mood swings affect me, bad.
am i depressed? i show all the symptoms. or, these ones:
Constant sadness
Irritability
Hopelessness
Trouble sleeping
Low energy or fatigue
Feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
Significant weight change
Difficulty concentrating
Loss of interest in favorite activities
the only one i don't have is that i don't think life isn't worth living. i love life. why do you think i don't wanna grow up? i wanna savor it <3
i think i want a counselor to help me figure out what is wrong with me.
i just don't want to be labeled as a freak. and i don't want to be labeled as an attention whore for seeking help.
i just don't want to be crazy... | | |
| the end of summer, this year, is quite bittersweet for me.
i really, REALLY don't want it to end, but then again i'm very pumped for school to start.
i'm not longer a Frosh, but a stable, fun sophomore. i'm comfortable with where i'm at. i'm not nervous for any of my classes, really, besides gym. but we'll get to that later. i know my way around the school, almost like i know the back of my hand, so to speak. but, i'm not so comfortable in the school that i'm worried about colleges and test scores like the juniors and seniors. my brother is a senior this year and he's freaking out. i feel bad for him. i would hate that feeling. i know in two years, i'll feel it too. however, i just ... i don't know. i feel like i handle things better than he does, too. i want to take a year off after senior year to explore. my mom thinks that's a bad idea, so chances are, i'm not gonna do that.
but, i digress. i'm comfortable.
my blogs make zero sense, and i realize that. they're not so much rants or about specific things, but more like an online diary, which no one knows about, to tell you the truth. two of my close girlfriends know, but they don't even read it anyways. besides, i'm not the most faithful 'blogger' to tell you the truth. (whoever 'you' are).
anyways, back to what i was talking about. school.
my schedule for the first semester (18 weeks) is as follows (mind you, each "block" is 90 minutes, but 3a and 3b combined is 120, because of certain lunches) :
block one - gym.
block two - honors algebra 2.
block three a - honors english 10
block three b - lunch
block four - studio art.
now, i have a problem with gym. i don't know what the fuck to do. we have three or four--i don't know how the hell many we have!) and i don't know where to go at first. just tomorrow is all i'm worried about. but, my brother told me to just stand in the hall by the gym rooms and the teachers will tell us where to go. it's just weird. Brooke does things to different, sometimes i wanna shoot myself. as for algebra & english, i'm not worried. i know where the classes are. i'm fine with the teachers, although the english teacher is a nut. the math teacher is fucking amazing. i can't wait to have him! then, there's lunch. i don't know what i'm going to do, since Wendy & I are like, weird with each other now. who knows. anyways, i'll get over lunch. SOMEONE has it with me lmao. phew, now, studio art! that class is basically hand-selected. the teacher picks which kids she wants in there based on their abilities & what they want to take. it's an art class for kids who want something beyond the Art 1-4 concepts. like for instance, i'm taking it for fashion design and photography! i'm so pumped. i get 90 minutes of fucking around with Ali and doing whatever we want. i'm definitely taking it seriously, but really, the teacher is just great. she's very young, and very "i don't give a fuck what you do, just don't get in trouble. wait no, get in trouble, just don't kill anyone." lmao. she's badass, in short.
but the people, ehhh. the incoming freshmen are fucking annoying. all the girls are sluts, all the guys are players who think they're so damn cool. and that's hardly a generalization. i'm being dead-honest, here. it's almost frightening how 95% (LITERALLY!) fit into those categories. sure, there's a couple nice ones left. but i bet by homecoming they'll all be the same. it's sad, really.
we have some specific steriotypes for the classes as a whole at this school.
so currently, the seniors are the well-mixed group. think, 90's. you've got the druggies, the snobs, the brains, but everyone seems to know everyone, and the teachers love them all.
the juniors. the cliques. they have so many damn fights and "best friends" throughout the year it's hard for anyone to think of anyone else's life. but, they manage to know everyone's business anyhow.
us, the scary sophomores. we have literally been called "the worst class ever" by too many teachers to count. like me, there are some kids who are still respectable, or hide things well (; but, as a whole, we party too much, do bad stuff, start fights, and are nibby. very nibby. and, kind of dumb. and we set a bad example for... anyone. AND, i'm damn proud i can hold my 3.9 GPA and still be a part of it all!
the freshmen, i've explained. sluts & players. the ones that are left over are the ones who are too good to be true. simple as that.
judgmental? yes. but, at least my judging is accurate.
homecoming. no date. killer dress.. someone ask me? please? lmfao. kidding, kidding. sort of.. (;
wow. that sounds very desperate. okay, so i just don't know who to go with. people seriously got dates in July. fucking July. homecoming isn't till October third. wowowoow.
to sum it up, i don't know what to say. i have very mixed feelings about this schoool year. i know it's going to be a great one. it must be. it's a strong feeling.
one things for sure...
it's definitely going to be one wild & wicked year. i can smell it. (; | | |
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